‘I want to f**k you…..I want to f**k you…’ whispered a man’s voice, I froze and quickly covered myself up.
Was I imagining this? Would some sad perverted man really be watching through the small holes of my straw hut whilst I lay naked on my bed at the end of the day?
I waited a while, put my pajama’s on and then walked outside and looked around.
(Maybe you are thinking what a stupid move, but it was still early and I was in close proximity to other huts, I could have screamed for help and I was questioning my judgment.)
I wondered if I was experiencing some kind of post paranoia after a very strong Reike treatment?
The next morning at breakfast I looked around at the male guests guessing if it could be one of them.
Here I was in Goa alone. After a social couple of weeks in Myanmar, Delhi and Mumbai I made a concerted effort to keep my head down and not interact with anyone as I felt the need to go inwards and be alone. I filled my days with reading, writing, yoga, long beach walks and early nights.
By day 5 I was ready to talk again. I sat down next to a friendly face in the yoga shala and exchanged a few lines of conversation. I had a knowing that this special being, named Cat, was going to be a friend.
And sure enough, we were chatting and laughing away with a familiarity that felt as if we must have known one another in a past life. Someone even asked if we were sisters or old friends from London.
That night I bumped into the security guard who gave me a big smile and a hello. Immediately I knew….HE IS THE WHISPERING CREEP!
The next morning Cat joined me and said, ‘I’m really freaked out here!’
‘OMG, yes, me too!’ I blurted, ‘the security guy is a pervert!’
She said, ‘Oh no, I’m really freaked out about the insects and the bugs in my room.’
Oh shit I thought, now I’ve just told her about a much more serious situation to be terrified of…
Then Kate came over (another new friend) she sat down and said, ‘guys, I have to tell you something not very nice happened to me. Last night I went to the bathroom and the security guy was watching me, I didn’t realise until I looked around and he had his erection out and was staring at me.’
‘I am so sorry! I knew it was him!’ I shared my experience and immediately we went to tell the owners. They were shocked, very apologetic and acted immediately.
This situation made me feel regretful. Mainly because I didn’t trust myself, I questioned if I was making things up. I should have told someone before. What if he had forced himself on Kate?
I know there is little point looking back, but it was another situation that I had found myself in since being in India when I had not acted on my instinct or spoken up effectively.
There was an instance in Mumbai when I was crossing the road with a blind man, I wanted to ask him if he was okay and needed help. But I walked past him because I didn’t want to patronise him and a shyness came over me. Just as I reached the other side of the road I turned to cross again to help him, challenging myself on why I had not asked, but he was making his way and didn’t need my help.
Why did I not act on my initial instinct and feel confident enough to speak up?
Another seemingly insignificant scenario was ordering an espresso, which came and was not an espresso. I felt ripped off and annoyed thinking they should not advertise this as an espresso. I queried in my head, shall I say something or not? And I didn’t, but then spent way too much time questioning why I did not. Partly it’s because I find it so uncomfortable when people are fussy in restaurants and I reasoned, I’m in India, things are different just leave it. But the point is, it’s not bloody different and its annoying for the next person. Delivered in the right way, my feedback would only enhance their business and the next person’s experience.
Maybe you are thinking, you’ve got way too much time on your hands?!
And yes, that is partly true, but it’s also being in a position of observing my thoughts, my actions and my behaviour to try and personally improve which I hope in turn improves the experience for my fellow human.
The blind man, the espresso (that was not an espresso!) and the pervert were all part of the same thing. My consciousness was conspiring to teach me something. I was being repeatedly presented with opportunities to trust my instinct and not be afraid of speaking up. Each time I dishonoured this I spent way too much time wasting my psychic energy afterwards on asking myself why I had not reacted differently. Not only that, but the consequences of the pervert could have been very serious.
I have delved in asking myself ‘why’ and I see the element of fear. Fear of upsetting others, fear of getting it wrong, fear of looking stupid, fear of being rejected in one form or another.
Noticing these reasons and encouraging myself to speak up, to use my voice, to step into my authenticity more and more everyday can only make for a more empowering, enriching, expanding and exhilarating experience!
With Love, Tara xx