The recent months I have felt writers block and general resistance to getting started on with anything ‘new.’ I thought that nestling back into ‘reality’ (stupid term really, because every moment is reality) back in my home of London, the capital of doing I would feel inspired to get my teeth into something, but I have felt anything other than, doing quite frankly.
When I say, doing, I mean in the sense of serious career moves. I’ve been doing in other areas of my life, getting my home back into shape, reconnecting with my community in Notting Hill with some voluntary work, attending yoga classes and even teaching them to a few of my friends.
God, I sound like a bored house wife, just without the husband or the kids.
It’s not like I’ve sat and watched day time TV all day. Just the mornings. I love nothing more than morning TV. I actually missed Lorraine Kelly after three years of living away. I detest Jeremy Kyle. The nostalgia of watching This Morning feels utterly indulgent, reminding me of well deserved days of skiving school, boy was it hard work to get a sick day with my Mum. And Loose Women, is just brilliant.
Thinking about it, I would have made the perfect housewife…
It feels amazing to have time. To not rush. To find myself in new parts of London that I have never seen before. The last time I was living in London, my reality was very different. I used to wake up, ‘put my armour on,’ manage a business, have endless meetings, deadlines, plans, ambitions, stress, sleepless nights, demanding clients, feeling exhausted and worse of all questioning, if it was all worth it, was I happy?
And the answer was, no, in the end, I was not. So, I changed it.
People often ask me, do you miss Chic&Seek? I can answer that very honestly, no, I don’t.
I am enormously grateful for the experience and I look back and think, wow, that was quite a ride, a lot happened in a short space of time and I was mostly incredibly lucky throughout the 6 years of business. But when the chapter closed, I never looked back questioning if I did the right thing.
I am 100% more happy now. I created a lot of responsibility that I carried alone and it felt heavy. In fact pre Chic&Seek, from a young age, I carried alot more responsibility than most of my peers and I think that’s why I have been wanting to shed that in the last few years.
Now, my peers are heaping on the responsibility in their lives, kids, more kids, bigger homes, second homes, bigger jobs, acquiring pets, starting their own businesses, sick family members to look after, the list goes on.
When I think of the life changing events I had early in my life I actually feel more like a Grandma than a bored housewife.
This year, I feel like being so minimal I don’t even want to buy decorations for my Christmas tree. The last thing I want is more stuff to find storage for. I want to accumulate less. I am on a quest for a minimal life.
In October, the first month of being home, the internal voice started, I ‘should’ be launching this new career as a Life Coach, because that is precisely what I went to Los Angeles ‘TO DO.’ This was my career change, moving into the direction of ‘improving the lives of others,’ but it’s just still not feeling right. Launching a website positioning myself as a Coach and hustling for clients is not filling me with excitement. I can’t fake it.
So perhaps, I am still not ready. Or perhaps I’m not a coach and I needed to do the course to improve my own life. Or, perhaps I don’t want to start weighing myself with more responsibility again right now.
But the conditioning is so strong.
YOU MUST BE DOING!!
The family conditioning,
the middle-class conditioning,
the cultural conditioning.
Well, the conditioning can go fuck itself!
Revealing to myself I am still in a space of transition (which ultimately might prove to be a very creative one,) I have once again, let go of the internal wrestle, the self-judgement and I have decided to embrace my confusion and my blossoming love affair with the great unknown and not let any of it make me feel less than.
And here I am again, on the good old Chic Seeker sharing with you that there is no ‘What next?’ it is still about living in the NOW! It is not in the DOing, which is more Ego, but in the BEing which is more Heart, such helpful words taken from Mark Dacy, my Spiritual teacher, maybe I will share more of that at a later date.
My intention is to blog more, stay connected and hopefully inspire something in you and me as we continue on this mad journey called ‘Life.’
With Love, Tara 😘